Kids can come up with hilarious gems. I’ve logged some of the funniest quotes from my kids over the past year.
Here is the best of A, age 2, and E, age 4:
E: (mixing a bowl of water, soap and coffee) I am making coffee pizza. (Leaves it. Comes back 10mins later): I’m checking on my pizza. Oh, it’s still wet.
E: I spy with my little eye something beginning with N.
Me: Nanny?
E: No.
Me: Nose?
E: No.
Me: N...
E: Wait! I haven’t thinked of a word yet!
E: Muummyyyy, A is drinking the bubble mix!
We’re on our way upstairs to wake A up from her nap.
E: I want to wake her up.
Me: OK, but don’t startle her.
Ε: OK.
(Flings door open) WAKE UUUUUP!
E: If mosquitos come into the house, you can shoot them.
E: Mummy, are you a girl?
Me: Yes.
E: Here you go. (Proceeds to hand me his sister’s hair band).
E:(happy) What are we having for dinner?
Me: Pork.
E: (scrunches his face and begins to cry tearless sobs) But I don’t like pork.
Me: Try a piece.
E: I don’t waant to. (puts it in his mouth)
E again: (face lights up) I like it! I want more pork!
E 2 seconds later: what are you putting on my plate?
Me: That’s houmous.
E: (cue tearless crying) But I don’t like houmous.
Me: Try it...
Turns out he’s a fan of both pork and houmous!
E’s version of Baa Baa Blacksheep:
Baa Baa Blacksheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, 3 bags full.
One for the master, one for the date,
One for the little boy who lives down your drain!
Toddler logic.
A: This is my bathroom because my Teddy is white.
Me: I’m going to bring you some broccoli.
E: I don’t want it.
(I put some on his plate)
E: (Eats the flowery part) I like broccoli. I want ten broccolis!
Me: See? It’s nice.
E: (Turns it the other way round and tries the trunk ) Yuckyyyy! I don’t want it!
E: You really need to remember to pray before we eat.
E sees me snacking during lockdown.
E: Mummy, I think you’ve eaten enough today.
A: Let’s play music pichachios. (A few hours later I figure out she means musical statues)
I made a big dent hammering a nail in the living room wall. The next canvas I was going to hang was in E’s room.
E after seeing my attempt in the living room:
Mummy, please be careful when you do my nail because I like my yellow wall. I know the hammer is heavy but please try not to smash my wall.
Me, calling from the kitchen: A, are you cleaning up now?
A: Umm, not really.
Santa - The Origins
E: In the olden days before Jesus was born, Santa would give cornflakes to people who were good and nothing to the bad people. After Jesus was born, Santa would go to people’s houses at Christmas and stay with them for 100 days. If they were good he would give them different presents, but not cornflakes.
Imaginary conversation between A and her Grandma on a remote control which she uses as a phone:
Hello, Grandma. Yes. Um yes, I am a superhero. Are you a superhero?
Yes, we are all here with Mr. Joe.*
I like banana cake.
*watching Joe Wicks
E’s take on the Kindle: You’re reading a calculator.
After reading The Good Samaritan.
Me to E: So, if you see your sister needing help you can also help her like the Samaritan. Jesus says we mustn’t be like the other people in the story who walked away and didn’t stop to help.
E: Sigh, I can’t deal with babies!
A, pretending to read the story of Elijah helping a widow:
And Jesus said, “Go to your woman.”!?!
After an online preschool class, I’m asking to see if he was paying attention.
Me: Which animals did Miss M talk about?
E: I don’t know. You’d better ask her.
It’s bedtime story time. My husband is reading the story and A keeps loudly interrupting. We repeatedly ask her to stay quiet for the story with no success. I then discretely move to put a t-shirt in a drawer.
A (whispering): Shhh, Mummy! Just be quiet. We’re reading a story.
E: In Jingle Bells, does it say “to the one who owns the sleigh” or “to the one who stole the sleigh”?
Me: What number is this?
A: 1
Me: It’s actually 2.
A: ...I suppose.
A: Can I go outside?
Me: In a few minutes. I’d like to be there to watch you.
A: But I’m an expert at going outside.
(Thank you, Daddy Pig)
I come in from throwing the rubbish in the bin outside.
A: Oh, there you are! I thought you were a lost mummy!
While painting.
A: Mummy, E has gotten paint on the table.
E: Stop taking about me.
A: I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about the paint.
Husband pops outside to throw the rubbish, leaving the front door open. A closes the door behind him.
Me: How’s your dad going to get back in now?
A: He’ll be fine.